A NEW YEAR

Its a new year...

Along with 2010 comes a few new things to my life.

1- New major...Anthropology here I come.
2- New classes and Semester
3- New roommates
4- New ward at church
5- New students to fail...jk...more like teach and help.
6- New page in my life.
7- New friends.
8- New experiences with the old friends
9- New perspective on life and where I should be going
10- New times with a special new person.

All in all its like a fresh start on life. Im so excited to see where this year will take me and how I will grow and be better. I have thought about the last year and where I was and how far I have come. I really am a new person, truly myself and much happier. All of which I account to the hard work I have been doing for myself in seeing that I am a good person, it took me a long time to see it but its true... I wish you all the best of luck and many blessings ove rthe next year. Sometimes trials and blessings in disguise that would be what I truly learned this year.

Good luck and bring on a new decade. 2010!

The happy things in my life...

My oldest sister just had her baby girl. And I am so happy that she is here! She is so cute, and I am excited to see how she will influence and add to our family! Her name is Madeline and she is almost two weeks old. I am sure that before I know it she will be a year old.

I also am Happy that it is almost Thanksgiving, I am ready to go home and be with my family, where I don't have the pressures to change who I am, or be someone I am not. They are happy when I am myself, and they are not disappointed in me. I am excited to sleep in my old room, with my old green wall, to think back to the things that I learned this last summer that helped me let go of things and move forward.

I am also so happy that this semester is almost finished, only 11 days of actual school and then a few days of tests. I think I am ready for a clean slate again, to start over and get my life back to what I want it to be. But this semester I have surprisingly done well, studying hard and teaching as well. But hard work pays off!

Almost there and then things can start again... :)

Baby its cold outside....

Wow, its sure been a while since I last posted. Much has happened, and in many ways thing shave been crazy but good. Teaching a class here at BYU every friday and loving it, sometimes I lose my patience with my students but they seem to lose patience with me first, arguing that they are right...gotta love technical people. lol.

It snowed for the first time on the ground yesterday, and the mountains are beautiful. I want it to stay retty but not be so cold. I have also been learning to play racquetball, it is my new favorite sport, just make sure you wear those goggles or you can go blind. I have been enjoying living in a house but I am ready for my own space a little, mostly I think I am ready for a break. I totaled my car in late October, and things have been slow, walking really does take up so much extra time, its crazy how much we take things for granted until they are gone.

It is so strange to think how so many things are going on yet, we still find tie to do the things that matter most to us. It makes me very grateful for those who take the time to truly talk and be with me. Grateful for the one life I do have.

And as we start this thanksgiving and soon to be Christmas I hope we all can remember our blessings and try to live each day to the fullest helping those around us, and seeing the good in life, even when we are surrounded by so much bad.

a new season is coming once again.

back and not black...haha... still white as ever... especially because my tan has faded

so back at BYU. learning lots. growing lots as a person in many ways. living situations are much better. and i am getting closer to finding a major. either in pre-med and a few others.

most of the things going on in my life relate to school and work.
I teach an anthropology lab and I have been enjoying that a lot.

recently I have been thinking about friends and the influence that they have on ones life. a true friend makes life better, they give back they enhance your life, when you are sad they are there when they are said you in return are there for them.

so now the time has come to gather the wheat and get rid of the tares. gather the good and get rid of the bad. whatever the bad may be in my life.

General Conference was very very good. It reminded me of how important I am to Heavenly Father. That he loves me and knows me for who I really am, and no matter what happens he always loves me the same.

So as you face the things in your life, see the good and get rid of the bad. easier said than done. but don't give up and do what you feel is right. there is lots of good in the worlds if only you let yourself see it.

Summer so Fa!

so my summer adventure so far... well right now it consists of work and then then sleeping and that is about it. At work i search for standing water ( the stuff the doesn't move or flow) where skeeters lay their eggs and then those eggs go through the life cycle and then become blood suckers lol. I drive round in a truck tons from spot to spot where you dip a white enamel cup into the water look at the water you bring up which has lots of bugs and weeds etc. then if there are more then 4 larva in the dip you treat the water, but you dip in about 6 different spots to see how big of an area you have to treat. Each day I see a variety of animals ranging from cows, dogs, horses, tons of bugs including gross ticks, mice, rats, spiders, groundhogs, gofers, owls, snakes three different kinds, bunnies, tadpoles, and i think that is about all of them, but it is cool to see new things and explore a lot of the area around where i grew up i find cool places to go all the time :) Also at work we break apart beaver dams all the time because they make the go from flowing to standing which creates a lake for breeding mosquitoes. It is pretty crazy!

I am enjoying being home with my family but it has pros and cons just like everything else. I am in a singles ward for church meeting new people and trying to find fun things to do. It is nice to chill with my siblings and parents when they are not in school or working. I am also getting a pretty great tan. I spend most of my time outside each day except for sunday. We are growing strawberries like mad so i spend a decent amount of my free time there. lol. We just planted more apples trees and put in a sprinkler system all around my house. It is pretty exciting but strange because home is changing as time goes by but nothing stays the same all the time. At least a few things are consistent like the grass always grows and there is always food I can eat here. lol.

Also I listen to the radio all the time at work cause we have the truck that doesnt havea tape deck or a cd player... but there is a song by nickelback that has made me think a lot about where and waht i want to do with my life its called "If today was your last Day." If you want something motivational here is a link to watch the video and listen to it... its most of the song and its a clean video and sends the message well...

http://www.mtv.co.uk/artists/nickelback/video/if-today-was-your-last-day

Anyways, that pretty much sums up things going on with me. and sorry it took so long to post again, many crazy things happened at school and life, but now things are slowing down a little.
Have a happy day!

its in you...

Its in You- by anna

you look up into the sky,
you look down as you cry.

you hear someone there,
you turn back and get a death glare.

you listen to the rain as it falls,
you try to keep standing tall.

you yearn for truth and light,
you search and wont give up that fight.

you try to reach out to others,
you feel like you just smother.

you ponder whats right,
you see hope in sight.

you are strong and brave and true,
you dont need anyone else to love you.

you have one true friend,
you know that He is there till the end.

you wish that life was less,
you try to shake the stress.

you know if there's a will there's a way,
you know that if it comes to anything just pray.

you are not alone, never let go,
you can always trust in those that always know.

Hes not far, He hasn't forgotten you and your fight,
He is the one who will always stay true, and help you make it through the night.


I guess you could say I have gotten in to poetry over the last little while, but I have been thinking really hard about my life, where I stand now and where I want to stand in the future. Who I am and what I really want out of my life, and realizing that my life really depends on a few things, and change happens ad its hard, but as we go through that change We are not alone! There are people all around us and I think we are all fighting our own fight, inside we are all trying and doing our best, and we need help and hope.
Where do we get help and hope? Hope is the strongest power, its even stronger than love. And as we hope in things that can't let us down, like our Savior and our Father in Heaven, then we can be happy and we are able to recognize the trials that others face in their lives, and our lives in optimistic ways. We can help others and they can help us along this journey of life. We are not here on earth to be lonely. So I guess you could say I am challenging you to step outside the box, look around and see what you can do? I believe and know that as we bless others lives we are blessed in return. So go get 'em!

Also I want the Packard Family to know that I send all my love, and hope your way! And I know that everything will turn out just as Heavenly Father has planned.

somethings never go as planned...

So this week has already been long and its monday... lol. I guess I am jsut trying to hard to get everything in and make things work how they should that I am just getting tired of it all. Tired of all the busy work, tired of getting up in the morning, tired of eating food... and lots of other things too. But when it comes down to it I still eat food, still get up in the morning, and I still go to school and learn. I think that when they say you have to endure to the end in the scriptures thats what they mean still doing it even when its hard. There is still hope there has to be hope in something. So i am going to try to list things I hope for and can depend on to not change:

The sun will come up tomorrow. And the next day. and every day after that.
The gospel is true, which in turn means God loves me and knows my needs.
I hope that I can do well this semester.
I hope I find a major.
I hope I make things better with my friends.
I hope that I can find internal happiness that is always there.
I hope to get married and have a family.
I hope that there is more to life than just going through the struggle.
I hope that my family knows I love them and miss them.
I hope that I can gain weight.
I hope to find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
I hope that this semester will go by fast, and this summer will go by slow.

Theres lots I hope for, and think about. Recently I have been slightly put out. Unsure of tomorrow or even the next few hours. I am trying to do my best so I guess that is what counts overall. And as time goes on everything else will fall away and the things that really matter will still be there and those things will be worth it. So I will keep going and kep trying and even if I have to keep trying alone it will be worth it right?

a one hat, tennis shoes, basketball shorts day... but somehow it still turned out alright

Today was a one hat day... maybe even a two hat day...
and I have been thinking deeply about a lot of things, someone told me told that I think to much, read into things too much, and maybe even over analyze all I do and say. They do have a valid point I feel like I do think too much, so much that I have been regretting everything I do even though it is not bad or anything.

So I am sitting here in my room on the shag carpet floor, pondering the last few weeks and what has occurred in my life and those around me. I have been meeting new people, and reconnecting with old friends, while still trying to balance things with my good friends... it has been crazy. I feel like an emotional roller coaster was the ride of choice. And now I am going to get off, wearing my shoes, a hat and basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Time to face the world, and stop being afraid. Time to let people be people and take what I can receive but expect nothing in return. The Savior gave it all and He expects nothing in return, I need to be more like that.

Today I was thinking about the atonement and a few things really stood out to me about the sacrifice that Christ has made for each of us. These things really have been on my mind...

- He already paid for my mistakes. They are already covered by the atonement.
- Christ knows I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes.
- He does not keep track of all my little or big mistakes, yes He knows that things happen but He knows the true intentions of my heart, and what I am trying to do.
- He sees the good in me, and still loves me even though I have flaws.
- Christ always takes me back, He won't push away someone that is trying to "come unto him".
- He has felt all my pains, afflictions, stress, worry, heart ache, and sorrow.
- Christ knows me personally, by name.
- He loves me even though I make mistakes, He knows I wont be perfect but he will accept all I can give him.

Also today in my mission preparation class we were talking about how to teach with the spirit, and how to teach about repentance and how to help others feel the spirit. As I was talking with my companion, some random person sitting next to me, we both shared our testimony of the gospel and of what the spirit feels like, and how we feel about the atonement. It was such a different experience for me, I rarely share my testimony with individuals mostly in big groups. And then these thoughts came back to me, from a discussion earlier I had with a friend about the atonement, and I think I am starting to realize how true these simple statements are.

And in all honesty it is easy to say the words, but to really believe them in my heart and mind, that is what is so hard. But truly believing, that is complete faith. That complete faith is what makes life worth living for, the hope you can find and feel that is part of what this is all about.

So all in all somehow everything turns out ok. Its all ok in the end, if its not ok its not the end.

as to the whole hat, shoes and shorts.. I am actually glad I have a hard floor to sit on that has carpet and that I have clothes that keep me warm, and a hat just helpsme feel like a 5 year old again that never worried about what anyone else thought and was happy to do whatever was going on. Maybe this silly 19 year old can be more like that 5 year old again, happy with everything, and anything that is good and enjoyable.

This post is rather random and here and there but I tried to get it all to connect... lol

7,166 days of life... what does one day really mean?

I have been alive for 7,166 days.
Thinking about those days, and the concept of Time, when you look at each day it goes by slowly, some faster than others, and some slower than others, I think the days that seems to be the longest would include last summer where I sat in a park all day and essentially did nothing except eat Italian ice... lol.

But each day is simply that- a day- and if you look at it singly 24 hours seems like a long time. But as you look at 7,166 days being 171,960 hours, that is a lot of time. But where has it been spent? For about 71,000 hours have been spent sleeping- if I get 10 hours a night, but I take naps to make up for the last hours. About 20,000 of them have been spent sitting in a desk or lecture hall. The other 80,000 hours have been spent, watching movies, learning skills, reading, eating and making food, laughing, crying, going to church, doing homework not included in the sitting in classrooms, working, driving, sitting at stop lights, flying on planes, pulling weeds, singing songs, spending time with the family, picking strawberries, playing games etc.

Now individually they may not seem like much time but those days added up to weeks, then months then years. 19 years and some days. And every single one of those days made up my life. Every day makes up your life. We don't know how much "time" we have here on earth but I just have to say we should enjoy our days, living life to the fullest each day, making every day rich and full of happy memories, so that those days can add up to be happy years. And we all have trials and hard things we have to accomplish, but I can do hard things. And it is the every day patience and endurance that make the difference. Because all we have is today, yesterday is gone, and we don't know for sure if we have tomorrow. So live for today and live and plan for the future.

I am working on living for today drinking in the happy times and trying to leave behind the sad or hard. Don't give up and don't let go. I guess through all this I am trying to remind myself these same things, so I can face today wither I want to or not, but I have to because today is all I know for sure that I have.

Hopefully in this mess of words and numbers something is insightful.

Photo Tag from Geneil..

Okay, I'm supposed to pull the sixth picture from my sixth picture folder... So it is my sixth folder but there are only three pictures in it for some reason so I put the last one on....
This is All of us sibling plus the Brother- in-Laws when we all went to the beach in Oregon, where my mom had her sisters reunion, in the summer of 2007! I just have to say that was one of my most favorite vacations! It was crazy because I skipped a week of college my first term to go and play, and t sure was worth it. I eve ngot good grades that term!!!

I tag: Kelli Rich, Josh Guest, Jen Davidson... i would tag more but all the other peoples blogs I follow have all been tagged... lol

stand in the rain...

Off to a rough start this new semester...
somethings seem to just be a waste of my time. I feel like I am giving it my all, my time, my effort, my mind, my heart, my strength, everything I got and its still not enough. Where did I go wrong? So I am starting over with the new year, I am going to get a new life. Make changes. Rely on myself. Be who I really want to be. and I am facing my worst fears, getting the strength to pick myself up off the ground, so I can stand in the rain. There is a song by Superchick called stand in the rain that says :

" She never slows down
She doesn't know why but
she knows that when
She's all alone feels
Like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain. "

So I will stand in the rain, and let it crash down, I just can't give up, and I can't give in. And NO ONE is GOING TO DRAG ME DOWN!!!

happy things...

This first week of school has been a killer. I haven't been very excited to start up again or all the papers I have to write for my generals classes. Figuring out a major is also pressing on my mind. But as I have cried tear water tea, thinking about short pencils and spoons that have fallen behind the stove, I finally let a lot of it out. But this post isn't to discuss all the things I am worried about but more the things that have given me hope when I thought there was none left...

So heres the list-

+ Thomas S. Monson gave an amazing talk yesterday at the CES fireside I encourage you to read it or see it if you didn't get the chance. It reminded me that I am strong, and I am good enough. I can do it and I can make it through hard things.

+ Also I got to see Claire and Eric randomly on Saturday because one of my friends went to Idaho so I met up with them and hung out, that was very good!

+ Today there were two little kids probably around the ages of 2 and 4 playing in the snow on a sidewalk as their mom stood there and read the newspaper. Both were dressed in their little snow suits, trying to put snow through the chain link fence. It just made me think back to my days when I was little, and how happy I was all the time not caring what anyone else thought. I realized thats how I need to be now. Yes it is important to care but I think I have been caring too much about other opinions. But those kids were so adorable I hope someday I can have my own adorable kids that can remind me of the simplicities of living life.

+ There is not too much for me to do yet, so I am not too busy to take naps.

+ I have awesome FHE brothers, and I realized that they really are always there for me.

+ Anthropology is interesting but probably not my passion in life, neither is biology... lol.

+ It is a new week which also means that next weekend is four days long!!!

+ Most of the ice on the sidewalks is melted so I don't have to worry about falling as often... still a little.

+ I forgot how much I absolutely love learning and using ASL, yes it gets slightly confusing at times but it sure is amazing being able to talk to people who are deaf :)

Theres my hopeful thoughts... I hope I can keep finding more, it helps me be happy! Have a happy day and don't forget to find the simple things because in the end those are the things that really mean a lot... referring to the George Straight song.

:)

Such an AMAZING christmas break...

If only it lasted longer!

I could go to all the places we did again for free... lol...
This break was definitely different but very good at the same time. It took a couple days to get where I was headed instead of the original few hours, but it was character building in the airport and learning that it is better to eat before you get to the airport. The first day I was there we just kinda relaxed went and ate at CHIPOLTLE, which is amazing by the way, and we did a little grocery shopping.



Then the next day my mom texted me during church cause they were trying to fly in with lots of silly delays because Spokane cant handle more than 2 inches and they had around 2 feet... then Monday and Tuesday we went shopping, then Wednesday I was lazy and slept in and enjoyed psych episodes all day then went Christmas caroling, then Christmas was fun opening presents and eating lots of sugar.




Then on Friday we went to Sea World in San Diego which was amazing! I got to touch sting rays and see shamu or shampoo as I would say...lol... and I learned about penguins and flamingos, and a bird that really was trying to impress my oldest sister so they could go jest skiing for a date. It was pretty cool to see everything up close! And what they could do to get the whales to swim the way they wanted them too was pretty cool too! We also saw Sesame Street in 4-D. Hence the cool Glasses!


Then Saturday we did more shopping I think... I cant remember this day very well... then on Sunday we went to church, and took a nice nap.
On Monday we started out with a bang by going to Knotts berry farm... riding these awesome coasters, it was hilarious to see how psyched out Reid was and how Joslyn wanted to ride every scary ride in the park... then it turned into they all wanted to ride scary ones, which was fun... I think the ride that freaked me out the most was the supreme scream, where they pull you up 254 feet then drop you, it freaked me out worse cause the lady whose seat I took was crying when she got off... so I shut my eyes for the first half and the second half I was telling joslyn to breath. It was a rather exciting day. We all rode the silver bullet multiple times, so I think that was the favorite out of us all. I was so proud that my parents even went on roller coasters with us.


Then on Tuesday we slept in a little went to an island right off the edge of the bay in San diego... I cant remember what it is called... it states with a C it it is not for cookie... lol...
that was cool and we took lots of really cute pictures. We also saw the San Diego Temple which was beautiful! Then we went and looked at Old Town and then we went to the harbor to look at the boat from the movie master and commander.

Then on Wednesday my parents pulled a fast one by telling us we had an outing, Josh kept saying we were going to Vegas to earn money for college but I didn't believe him that much! So we head toward L.A. and I am not even thinking about what we are going to do... we pull into Hollywood and Jos and Reid get this really sad look on their faces, they were so disappointed, so we park the car and go for a little walk down Hollywood blvd. It was cool to take pictures with the stars on the ground and the ones dressed up... I really didn't steel there treasure, I just wanted to look at it!

Then my parents are like k lets go eat now we cant be late of course i just thought we were going to eat with my cousin that lives in L.A. and as we drive down the street we pass a theater that is playing Wicked. My brother had even asked my mom if we were going and my mom straight up lied to my brother and said we weren't going. So Jos and Reid didn't believe them until we were sitting in our seats, and Geneil figured out the secret before we even got there, I just have to say I was shocked and so excited. It was definitely an amazing experience and I would love to go see it again! We celebrated new years by playing Wackee six, which is also a way fun card game!

The next day my family flew home , and then I just relaxed and then played card games later that night, we tried to go see valkerye but the tickets were only front row and we didnt think it was worth it to pay full price to sit in the front row. So then I flew back to lovely Utah were there is tons of snow and ice, and now I wish i was back in the 75 degree weather, but soon enough I will be back home and I can enjoy the warm weather there too!

All in all it was a great vacation due to my parents creativity and Josh's German driving skills!
I am glad I went and really I wish i was there still, pretending to avoid reality, forgetting that classes start tomorrow, and that real life has to kick back in. Someone described it all as "my head is full of cobwebs that mean everything and nothing..."that about sums up my joyful feelings of starting school again. But it should be nice to start a new semester with new classes and some new roommates, along with new experiences. So here I come 2009! Time to start a fresh page!