The End is in Sight...

Is it the end of the world? or the end of College? For all I know it is the end of both.

Right now I have no motivation to write a paper or prepare for a couple presentations. I have given up on a few small assignments that I technically should do but I can still get a decent grade without doing them.

Life has been strange. It has been a mix of joy, pain, awesomeness and complicated drama.

When people find out I am graduating, they always respond with questions like: What are you doing next? Why aren't you married yet? What can you really do with Anthropology? Are you going to grad school?

The answer to all these questions right now is I am unsure of the Future. I only know a few things. First, I am going to find a Real Job, one where I can earn money and stop living pay check to pay check, not that I dont love living like this, but recently I think that I would rather be homeless than live pay check to pay check.

Second, I am glad I am not married yet. I feel like Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is ok that I am not married.

Third, You can do everything/anything you want with Anthropology. I love Anthropology because is it has taught me to see others as the Savior sees them, it has taught me that the outside is a reflection of the inside but you can never know what is happening on the outside until you look under the surface and dig deep to understand the aspects that influence someone. I also have learned I can never really walk a mile in anyones shoes fully. There are things I can understand and try to understand, but I can only observe and recognize and acknowledge what they are experiencing.  I can only try to understand, and in some ways I should try to understand in other ways it is ok that I do not understand. That is why they go through it and can express what they have learned. And I can only imagine what it means to face what they go through. In all things Christ has faced what each of us has, he is the only one that has walked a mile in our shoes. Anthropology has also taught me that there is so much good in the world among the bad and when you seek out good, that is what you will find, and vice versa.

Fourth, am I going to Grad school?
That is a good question. I would like to sometime but I do not know if I will get there. Recently I have been thinking about the skills that I have and the things that I truly love doing. I love teaching, I love technology and I love people. So maybe I will become a teacher or I will work in Public Relations.
The good news is that the world is not ending in a few weeks so I can figure it out.

Overall, Right now I feel a bittersweet victory. I have accomplished something that I have focused on, worked on, prayed about, cried about, fought for, and given my all for. I made it. But have I really made it? I think that right now is the end but also the beginning of a new adventure, a new place for me to learn, grow, and strive to be who I want to become.

I can never put in words what my heart is saying every time it beats.

It beats slow, and it beats fast. It hurts but it feels peace. It doesn't stop beating. It beats slow and fast.

Am I prepared for this next step?
Maybe I have doubts about what it means to be prepared for this, but I am ready to give life a try. I am ready and I have learned that with every change brings the unexpected. Unexpected happiness, trials, frustrations and skills.

Bring on the unexpected. Bring on the unknown. Here I am stepping into the dark with the hope and the sight to see the light at the end.

The Last Month and a Half. GREAT!

So where do I start...
According to the sound of music it is the very beginning... so here goes, lol:

Since September 15th, I have been busy with many things.
School, has been great. Full of new ideas, and lots of tests but I am doing well and enjoying the things I am learning. I am still loving my Biological Anthropology Class which has been very enlightening to the truth of evolution. I still am not sure what I think about it, but I know that it is very intriguing. It is interesting in more ways than one, and that we really are much more advanced than monkeys or gorillas.

Reid, Curtis, Alicia and I went to General Conference

I had some awesome experiences being at the conference center for most of conference this year. It was very cool  to be there and feel the messages the Prophet and Apostles had for the members of the church.  Some talks that really stood out to me include: President Ucktdorf , Elder Richard G. Scott, Elder Bednar, Elder Packer, Elder Cook, Elder Eyring, President Monson. It was such a cool experience to be there.

Preston and I at Aunt Marilyn's House

Together at the Ward Halloween Party Oct. 30

I also started dating a marvelous boy, Preston Morgan. Today it has been three weeks that we have officially been dating. But since our first date we have seen each other every day and talked as well. He gives amazing hugs, and he is so humble. I definitely falling for him. ha ha. One of my favorite things that we do together is go for walks. We get to talk and catch up, it is really nice. I really am enjoying having him as a friend. He is growing on me each day. He always tells me adorable things, about how much he likes me and how great I am. I feel so lucky to just be dating him. I am learning and growing so much as I spend time with him.

I also am loving where I live. My roommates are great! Mary is awesome we talk each morning because she gets back so late at night. Heidi is just always so happy and fun, and she has helped me a lot when I have been sick this semester. Chanda is always so giving, she serves me all the time. Katelin always encourages me, and reminds me how important the gospel is. Sara is so fun to laugh with, she helps me be grateful for the simple things, and to recognize the happy things in life.
This is all of us but Chanda, having a random unplanned dance party in our kitchen. We dressed up like Thugs and danced away our stress all together it was awesome bonding time :) 

Also, It was great to have Geneil and Josh and Madeline come visit us. They came after General Conference for homecoming weekend at the beginning of October.  It has been so good to see them so much this year. I also really have felt a stronger relationship between me and Geneil. We have been working on talking each week, and staying caught up on each others lives and the things we each are facing. I am so grateful for her. I love her and her family so much. Josh has also been very helpful. He is always giving me dating advice, and being supportive of me. J-Dawg has always been there for me and that makes me glad. I also can not get over how cute Madeline is. She always laughs with me and it makes me so happy that she recognizes me. The other day Geneil was on facebook looking at my page and M started waving to my picture because she thought it was me in real life. We skyped and she waved again. It makes me happy that she knows who I am.

Reid and I also went to Harry Potter 7 the midnight showing. Which was really fun. It was fun to see with him. We didn't like this movie as much as the others but it was still fun. It still blows me away that he is here at BYU with me. But he is learning and growing and learning how to be positive, and it has been a great experience for him. I see how happy he is, and that he is growing and that makes me happy. He still is one of my best friends, and I love how well we get along with each other. It has been super nice to have him here to vent with, laugh with, supporting each other, and to just know I am not alone.

Overall, This semester has been the best I have ever had. Last winter is definitely pretty close to my favorite but this one is winning. I just am loving the things in my life, including my ward and the support and service they give everyone. I feel so blessed to be alive at this time and here at BYU. It is crazy how much the Lord blesses you when you are doing what is right. His hand is in ALL things. It is also crazy I have met some really amazing people in my classes and I have gotten to know them on deeper levels and in many ways I feel like we have been able to answer each others prayers. I feel so much hope, and so much love.

I am so lucky, and things are just GREAT!

Another Crazy Start here at the Y

Wow...
Time fly's by so fast. I cannot believe it is the middle of September already. It seems like just yesterday I went home for the summer, left for Germany, was an EFY Counselor, and was killing mosquitoes, was a the beach in Oregon, and then at Kelli's wedding.

I am doing well enjoying my classes a lot. Learning a bunch about applied anthropology, medical anthropology and evolution. It is interesting to learn at here at BYU and see how much of it really does influence the rest of the world. I also have been starting to figure out what and where I should do my field work. I also have decided to try to go to grad school and get a masters in medical anthropology. Maybe just maybe I can have an influence on the world by going into this particular subject or field.

We will definitely have to see, where this will take me, I am excited and nervous all at the same time.

Another class I am really enjoying is my Family History class. I am learning how to do research and learning a lot about my ancestors and the legacy they left behind. It is crazy for me to realize that these people are real, they once lived here on this earth. They wanted to be remembered, and they wanted to be happy too. It blows me away... they are not just a name, they really lived.

I am really happy. Enjoying my new ward, and meeting new people. This weekend I have a ward social which I am really excited for. It should be great! Overall, I have just been enjoying my life one day at a time, trying to focus on now and the things that I am faced with, and for the most part I have been really happy!

somethings never go as planned...

So this week has already been long and its monday... lol. I guess I am jsut trying to hard to get everything in and make things work how they should that I am just getting tired of it all. Tired of all the busy work, tired of getting up in the morning, tired of eating food... and lots of other things too. But when it comes down to it I still eat food, still get up in the morning, and I still go to school and learn. I think that when they say you have to endure to the end in the scriptures thats what they mean still doing it even when its hard. There is still hope there has to be hope in something. So i am going to try to list things I hope for and can depend on to not change:

The sun will come up tomorrow. And the next day. and every day after that.
The gospel is true, which in turn means God loves me and knows my needs.
I hope that I can do well this semester.
I hope I find a major.
I hope I make things better with my friends.
I hope that I can find internal happiness that is always there.
I hope to get married and have a family.
I hope that there is more to life than just going through the struggle.
I hope that my family knows I love them and miss them.
I hope that I can gain weight.
I hope to find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
I hope that this semester will go by fast, and this summer will go by slow.

Theres lots I hope for, and think about. Recently I have been slightly put out. Unsure of tomorrow or even the next few hours. I am trying to do my best so I guess that is what counts overall. And as time goes on everything else will fall away and the things that really matter will still be there and those things will be worth it. So I will keep going and kep trying and even if I have to keep trying alone it will be worth it right?

a one hat, tennis shoes, basketball shorts day... but somehow it still turned out alright

Today was a one hat day... maybe even a two hat day...
and I have been thinking deeply about a lot of things, someone told me told that I think to much, read into things too much, and maybe even over analyze all I do and say. They do have a valid point I feel like I do think too much, so much that I have been regretting everything I do even though it is not bad or anything.

So I am sitting here in my room on the shag carpet floor, pondering the last few weeks and what has occurred in my life and those around me. I have been meeting new people, and reconnecting with old friends, while still trying to balance things with my good friends... it has been crazy. I feel like an emotional roller coaster was the ride of choice. And now I am going to get off, wearing my shoes, a hat and basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt. Time to face the world, and stop being afraid. Time to let people be people and take what I can receive but expect nothing in return. The Savior gave it all and He expects nothing in return, I need to be more like that.

Today I was thinking about the atonement and a few things really stood out to me about the sacrifice that Christ has made for each of us. These things really have been on my mind...

- He already paid for my mistakes. They are already covered by the atonement.
- Christ knows I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes.
- He does not keep track of all my little or big mistakes, yes He knows that things happen but He knows the true intentions of my heart, and what I am trying to do.
- He sees the good in me, and still loves me even though I have flaws.
- Christ always takes me back, He won't push away someone that is trying to "come unto him".
- He has felt all my pains, afflictions, stress, worry, heart ache, and sorrow.
- Christ knows me personally, by name.
- He loves me even though I make mistakes, He knows I wont be perfect but he will accept all I can give him.

Also today in my mission preparation class we were talking about how to teach with the spirit, and how to teach about repentance and how to help others feel the spirit. As I was talking with my companion, some random person sitting next to me, we both shared our testimony of the gospel and of what the spirit feels like, and how we feel about the atonement. It was such a different experience for me, I rarely share my testimony with individuals mostly in big groups. And then these thoughts came back to me, from a discussion earlier I had with a friend about the atonement, and I think I am starting to realize how true these simple statements are.

And in all honesty it is easy to say the words, but to really believe them in my heart and mind, that is what is so hard. But truly believing, that is complete faith. That complete faith is what makes life worth living for, the hope you can find and feel that is part of what this is all about.

So all in all somehow everything turns out ok. Its all ok in the end, if its not ok its not the end.

as to the whole hat, shoes and shorts.. I am actually glad I have a hard floor to sit on that has carpet and that I have clothes that keep me warm, and a hat just helpsme feel like a 5 year old again that never worried about what anyone else thought and was happy to do whatever was going on. Maybe this silly 19 year old can be more like that 5 year old again, happy with everything, and anything that is good and enjoyable.

This post is rather random and here and there but I tried to get it all to connect... lol

7,166 days of life... what does one day really mean?

I have been alive for 7,166 days.
Thinking about those days, and the concept of Time, when you look at each day it goes by slowly, some faster than others, and some slower than others, I think the days that seems to be the longest would include last summer where I sat in a park all day and essentially did nothing except eat Italian ice... lol.

But each day is simply that- a day- and if you look at it singly 24 hours seems like a long time. But as you look at 7,166 days being 171,960 hours, that is a lot of time. But where has it been spent? For about 71,000 hours have been spent sleeping- if I get 10 hours a night, but I take naps to make up for the last hours. About 20,000 of them have been spent sitting in a desk or lecture hall. The other 80,000 hours have been spent, watching movies, learning skills, reading, eating and making food, laughing, crying, going to church, doing homework not included in the sitting in classrooms, working, driving, sitting at stop lights, flying on planes, pulling weeds, singing songs, spending time with the family, picking strawberries, playing games etc.

Now individually they may not seem like much time but those days added up to weeks, then months then years. 19 years and some days. And every single one of those days made up my life. Every day makes up your life. We don't know how much "time" we have here on earth but I just have to say we should enjoy our days, living life to the fullest each day, making every day rich and full of happy memories, so that those days can add up to be happy years. And we all have trials and hard things we have to accomplish, but I can do hard things. And it is the every day patience and endurance that make the difference. Because all we have is today, yesterday is gone, and we don't know for sure if we have tomorrow. So live for today and live and plan for the future.

I am working on living for today drinking in the happy times and trying to leave behind the sad or hard. Don't give up and don't let go. I guess through all this I am trying to remind myself these same things, so I can face today wither I want to or not, but I have to because today is all I know for sure that I have.

Hopefully in this mess of words and numbers something is insightful.

What is fall?

Fall and autumn are here...

I see pumpkins all over the place,
leaves changing colors,
and hot chocolate is on sale at Macey's.

Every morning I see my breath in the cold air,
frost is on the cars and on the grass,
hats, gloves and scarfs are popping up here and there.

I am actually wearing shoes instead of flip-flops,
I have used some hand warmers,
and the heater is blasting in my apartment.

I sure enjoy the fall, it means that Thanksgiving is coming,
and then soon after that comes Christmas. I love the fall.
recently I have been thinking about how much I really love
being at BYU. I love it here. I sure feel blessed everyday. As
the seasons continue onward so does time. I feel like I sure
am growing up fast, and sometimes it is out of my control.

But as time goes on, I get stronger. Taking and making my life
an amazing journey that is not only lived but I want to
remember it! And I want those around me to remember it too!