Trying to Remember

The last month has been really interesting. Today particularly. I have been thinking back trying to remember things from my life. growing up, who I was then and who I am now. Things have been foggy. It is hard to remember back very far. The things I do remember were the hard things that I had to work through so i thought about them a lot, so it is easier to remember those times. Or times and things that I wish I never had to face.

Today I wish that I could remember more happy times. Specific happy times. I have times recently within the last couple of years, that I remember really well. Coming home for Christmas. Spending time with Joslyn and Reid, Mom and Dad. Going to Germany spending time with Geneil. Being an EFY Counselor. Teaching my favorite group of students. Graduating from BYU. And I faintly remember other times before that, but it is hard to grasp them. I am happy now.  But why can't I remember those other times too. 

I feel odd today. In so many ways, and I don't know the answer or reason. I dont know why it is hard to remember. I know that I got a concussion, but I am tired of chalking all of this memory trouble to that or my headaches or me asking someone the same question 5 or 6 times.

I feel so strange. I graduated from college? What? This was never going to come but here it is. This is dream like, but so real. I am scared I will wake up and it will all be gone. I am happy with who I am and I love myself again, one of the few times I have really loved myself my whole life. Is it just going to go away like it did before? Am I going to lose my best friends like I have every time I get them? 

I guess that what I am trying to say is that life is hard. Sometimes it is hard to understand and sometimes it is hard to know why or what is happening, but it is ok. Maybe today was a hard day and January was a good but hard month. But it is ok. Reality will come back sooner or later, and I pray everyday that all those happy memories will as well.