The End is in Sight...

Is it the end of the world? or the end of College? For all I know it is the end of both.

Right now I have no motivation to write a paper or prepare for a couple presentations. I have given up on a few small assignments that I technically should do but I can still get a decent grade without doing them.

Life has been strange. It has been a mix of joy, pain, awesomeness and complicated drama.

When people find out I am graduating, they always respond with questions like: What are you doing next? Why aren't you married yet? What can you really do with Anthropology? Are you going to grad school?

The answer to all these questions right now is I am unsure of the Future. I only know a few things. First, I am going to find a Real Job, one where I can earn money and stop living pay check to pay check, not that I dont love living like this, but recently I think that I would rather be homeless than live pay check to pay check.

Second, I am glad I am not married yet. I feel like Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is ok that I am not married.

Third, You can do everything/anything you want with Anthropology. I love Anthropology because is it has taught me to see others as the Savior sees them, it has taught me that the outside is a reflection of the inside but you can never know what is happening on the outside until you look under the surface and dig deep to understand the aspects that influence someone. I also have learned I can never really walk a mile in anyones shoes fully. There are things I can understand and try to understand, but I can only observe and recognize and acknowledge what they are experiencing.  I can only try to understand, and in some ways I should try to understand in other ways it is ok that I do not understand. That is why they go through it and can express what they have learned. And I can only imagine what it means to face what they go through. In all things Christ has faced what each of us has, he is the only one that has walked a mile in our shoes. Anthropology has also taught me that there is so much good in the world among the bad and when you seek out good, that is what you will find, and vice versa.

Fourth, am I going to Grad school?
That is a good question. I would like to sometime but I do not know if I will get there. Recently I have been thinking about the skills that I have and the things that I truly love doing. I love teaching, I love technology and I love people. So maybe I will become a teacher or I will work in Public Relations.
The good news is that the world is not ending in a few weeks so I can figure it out.

Overall, Right now I feel a bittersweet victory. I have accomplished something that I have focused on, worked on, prayed about, cried about, fought for, and given my all for. I made it. But have I really made it? I think that right now is the end but also the beginning of a new adventure, a new place for me to learn, grow, and strive to be who I want to become.

I can never put in words what my heart is saying every time it beats.

It beats slow, and it beats fast. It hurts but it feels peace. It doesn't stop beating. It beats slow and fast.

Am I prepared for this next step?
Maybe I have doubts about what it means to be prepared for this, but I am ready to give life a try. I am ready and I have learned that with every change brings the unexpected. Unexpected happiness, trials, frustrations and skills.

Bring on the unexpected. Bring on the unknown. Here I am stepping into the dark with the hope and the sight to see the light at the end.

Perspective

Kathryn Shulz Ted 2011 :

" The miracle of your mind is not that you can see the world as it really is, but as it really isn't."

Some Talks on ted by Kathryn Shulz:

On Being Wrong 

Don't Regret Regret


It's All How You See It....Perspective it sure does a lot.

Starting my sixth year at BYU... Perspective.

So what a few years it has been. I feel like I did when I left for my first semester at BYU. So unsure of what is ahead, unsure of what the future holds. I had hopes for being a communications major, being successful at PR and married by now with everything all planned out. By the end of my sophomore year I realized that communications would be my minor instead. And by the end of my first semester of my junior year I knew Anthropology was the road I needed to walk. by the end of
my fourth year I was doing my own research and by the end of my fifth year I was ready to be done.

All along this journeying have been unsure of the road ahead but light has always shown me a few steps ahead. It has had many ups and downs. I have learned about myself and some of what I see I love and some of what I see I have really wished could be different. But here I am after almost six years, a much better person than I ever thought I could be. I learned compassion, understanding, that it is ok to have trials, it is onto change, and that everyone has things that are harder than what they want to face. I have learned what it means to have true friends and to be a true friend. I have learned it is about learning and the desire to grow versus the score I got on tests. I learned the God has been with me in the darkest and the lightest times and he will continue to do so. I have learned it is ok to show others that you are weak and that you are strong. That it is ok to love who I am and what I can become with Heavenly Father's help. I am still learning patience but eventually I will learn it :)

And here I am heading my sixth year and my final semester, I never thought I would make it this far. I would never make it to the end of the long hallway that is college. Yet I stand here facing what I thought would never come. In many ways I have fulfilled what I wanted to six years ago. I have a job in PR and I love it. I will have a degree that I earned, with much effort and obsacles that should have held me back.

I think I am sorta prepared for the real world but I know I have much to learn and in many ways I need to grow. So here I am scared but moving onward trusting that God will not leave me when I need Him the most, when I need courage and strength to finish my race down the hallway.

I am so thankful for my time I have had at BYU, and for the future that scares me. I am glad I am not alone on this journey and I am so grateful for the turns twists and bumps. For my family and the friends I have had and will have as I continue moving forward with faith. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

Bring it on, let's get this done and we can make it together!

Some things I have been thinking about recently…

Bridal Veil Falls: Climbing Up and Down

Persecution, Struggle, Overcoming, and Giving Up

What is it like to be persecuted?

A few words that come to mind: painful, scary, hard, hopeless, unsure, threatened, and hurt.  I am sure there are many more emotions, feelings, thoughts and deep down pains that go along with persecution. Many, not only for those being persecuted but the persecutor, feel these feelings.  Persecution is treating someone with hate that is different than you, simply because you do not like them you cause them grief, pain and hardship.

How long can someone withstand persecution?

Many have gone through persecution, and for their endurance I commend them. Endurance is not an easy task, it takes 

courage, motivation that things will get better, and trust that you are not alone in the persecution you face.

How is struggle different than persecution?

Struggle to me is something that is similar but not exactly the same as persecution. Struggle may be from interior circumstances, or external circumstances, things you can change and things you cannot. Persecution is inflicted on someone because they may be different, or they think or behave differently. Being persecuted is not a choice that is made by the persecuted, but by the persecutor. 

Why do we like to struggle?

Struggle means we are fighting; it means we are facing the un-faceable.  We are working hard to keep our head above the water. At the BYU Museum of Art  where I work there is an exhibition called William Lambson his work is in the electronic gallery. There is a video where he is struggling in a river. He is trying to get on a contraption that once he gets balanced he appears to be standing on the water. He tries over and over again to get on top of this contraption.  Eventually he makes it he gets it all level and it appears like he is standing on the water, even walking on the water. This exhibition really made me think about struggle. There are times we feel like giving up, letting go of what is keeping us afloat, but somehow we still don’t let go even if we are barely holding on. As we struggle we get stronger. There are times when we struggle harder than others but every time we struggle we get stronger to face the next challenge.

Why overcoming and struggle go hand in hand?

View from the Y trail

I know that none of this is new to anyone, and people have thought about this all the way back o the beginning I am sure, but we cannot overcome unless we struggle first. Without a struggle overcoming something would not mean anything really. A good friend of mine, Michelle Walker, talked about this in terms of climbing mountains. She told of story of climbing Mt. Timpanogus to see the sun rise. She was having a hard time and someone in her group stayed behind and put his hand on her shoulder and encouraged her to keep climbing. The sun was almost ready to rise and she said lets not go to the top, let’s watch form here, but her friend pushed her to continue. They made it to the top. She had tears in her eyes when she said this was the most glorious sunrise she had ever seen. She had to struggle to overcome. She had to climb that mountain. Every time I think of overcoming I think of climbing mountains.

What does it mean to really give up?

To me it means to sit down where you are, to stop climbing, to turn around, to not get back up when you fall. Now there are many times I feel like I have fell in my life, literally and figuratively.

 One time that particularly stands out to me is about a year ago I fell and I hit the back of my head playing broom hockey. The severity of the fall gave me a grade 3 concussion, life got really hard. I was forgetful, I couldn’t drive, work, watch tv, read, use electronics. All I could do was sleep and sit on a swing outside, talk and eat. I felt like I had lost a part of me, to this day part of me is still gone. I still have headaches daily, and I still forget many, many things. I never knew how much one event could change someone so much.  There had been so many times here at school, and at work where I have felt like it would never get better. When it first happened I never thought I would be able to focus again, or to remember everything someone said in conversations we had, or how to get from this place to that even though I lived there my whole life, and the roads hadn’t changed. I thought and felt like it would never get better.

Here it is one year later, still recovering, but I am getting better each day. One small step at a time, I am remembering things better, and in many ways things seem a blur over the last while. It is hard to remember some things, and I think gaps will always be there, but I am definitely changed.

To me this was one of the biggest literal falls I have ever gone through. But I got up. Each day I choose to get up and struggle, so that one day I can overcome, and I will overcome.

Overcoming this is my choice so some extent, but at the same time it is up to my head and body too. But it is my job for me to take care of my body so it can heal, that is my choice. I choose to be happy, and to continue when I don’t want too. There are many times I felt like sitting down and crying and there are many times that I have. But I got back up.

If you are feeling like the struggle is too much, or the climb is not worth it. Keep reminding yourself that you can sit down but only if you will get back up. If you are being persecuted there is hope. There is a song called Living Proof (to the left) and it reminds me of what it means to continue in the fight.

I am the living proof that you don't have to give up. You are not alone even though it may seem like you are. You are not. Open your eyes and see that everyone is fitting their own battle, and that is why we have each other, so we dont have to face the dark alone. I want you to know that I love you and you are loved. Take luck my friends, and dont be afraid to climb those mountains. 

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

This week has been rather exciting. Today was rather long, and the weird thing is after long weekends it is always hard to get started again. But at the same time I was thankful for a rest for my brain and just to catch up on sleep and relax. There has been a lot of things I have been thinking about recently, mostly I try to focus on whatever needs my attention at that time. Sometimes it works better than others. A few things that I have been learning about and thinking about:

- How much food is integrated into our lives, it controls social situations, it influences relationships, food is more than a physical relationship, it is an emotional and a mental relationship with not only our bodies but with others.
-I have been thinking a lot about Dress and Grooming and the standards of appearance, what messages are people trying to send by the way that they dress?
- India has given me a new obsession, it is so interesting and totally different than any other place I have ever learned about, there is something about it that makes it enchanting.
- Learning HTML and how to create and fix websites. This whole HTML stuff is new to me, but hopefully I can figure it out without having to take a class.
- Beauty and Belief which is a new Exhibit in the Museum of Art. Today was the Press Conference, which it was so great to be there and to learn and feel the excitement of this new exhibit, and how many beautiful things are there that not only teach me about Islamic culture but about my own ideas and concepts behind beauty.
- I have been thinking a lot about place, and how we talk about our favorite places.
- I have been thinking about how certain words bring certain connotations, sometimes words cannot effectively express our thoughts/ideas/emotions, which is why there are other forms of language besides words or an actual language itself.
- I have been thinking a lot about my future and what I want, and how to find what will make me truly happy.
- How Celiac Disease influences everything else, also how this disease really has to do with your choice in reaction and actions toward it and choosing to face certain consequences for certain things.
 
I guess I am definitely tired. But in many ways my body is so tired but I feel like my brain is just starting to come more alive again. I am still struggling but things are getting better and better. At the same time I feel like right now I am living to get by, but hopefully this summer things will slow down a little so I can enjoy the day more, instead of just makin' it. The whole key is that I am actually making it, i am drowning, I am not dead, I am making it. In the end it comes to this song that just came out by Kelly Clarkson: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... Now my theme song for the next month :)

Don't go Changin'

So I guess there have been so many things happening in my life, and me trying to make sense of it all with a part functioning brain. I would love to expand on these topics but I think I will just list them out and if you want to hear more about something specific comment and I will expand my thoughts.

-Working as a PR Representative for the College of Fine Arts and Communications and the MOA
- TAing and enjoying working with freshmen, I just wish they were not so quiet
- reading lots and lots for classes
-Learning about INdia and what personhood and identity means to them through out the stages of their lives
- Learning about cultural models and expectations and schemas, and how one comes to terms with all these complicated ideas and concepts that dont even have words for them
-Sleeping lots and lots really on average 9 hours a day for my head
-Still having headaches that last all day but mostly they are starting to stay at the back of my head now so that is a plus
- Taking lots of vitamins and minerals to help rebuild my immune system
- Recognizing that so many people matter to me in my life, sometimes I dont have the guts to say so or even tell them they are important, but I am thankful for some one different every day
- Learning that it is ok to ask for help, even though sometimes I want to try and do it alone
-Learning HTML, and how to connect websites, and create site maps etc.
- learning about Apaches and how they joke, also how places and names and words all create and help us remember meaning and influence for the rest of our lives
- Watching Castle :) highly recommend it
- getting to know my roomies Jessica, Theresea, and Meagan
- remembering that it is ok to cry
- finding out that I really do miss my younger brother, and he makes BYU a better place
- happy about the simple things everyday
- I love saying good morning even when it is not morning time
- cooking lots and lots, mostly veggies and sausages and random things to help keep me full.
- eating lots of oranges and apples, which make me miss the apples from home
- saving my money
- organizing my research
- analyzing it too
- missing my sisters
- learning that it is ok to trust people
-got my hair cut
- got new shoes for work
- got something exciting for myself from amazon :)
-trying to keep my head up

I guess all in all the last month has been one of growth hardship and trial. Today at church we talked a lot about why we face and go through trials. 2 Nephi 1-2 really hit home to me as the teacher talked about why it is all worth it. Michelle said something like " Because Jesus Christ is real, and He lives, that makes it all worth living for." This gave me hope as I have been feeling rather unsure of how to face and deal with the many worries and concerns. It helped me recognize that God is still in my life, He still loves me, He has not forsaken me. I am glad to know He is there, and that He can here me, help me and heal me. It is a process and one which requires patience and trust but I know He will help if we only ask him too.

I say to you and to myself, Don't give up because you have something worth fighting for!