Starting my sixth year at BYU... Perspective.

So what a few years it has been. I feel like I did when I left for my first semester at BYU. So unsure of what is ahead, unsure of what the future holds. I had hopes for being a communications major, being successful at PR and married by now with everything all planned out. By the end of my sophomore year I realized that communications would be my minor instead. And by the end of my first semester of my junior year I knew Anthropology was the road I needed to walk. by the end of
my fourth year I was doing my own research and by the end of my fifth year I was ready to be done.

All along this journeying have been unsure of the road ahead but light has always shown me a few steps ahead. It has had many ups and downs. I have learned about myself and some of what I see I love and some of what I see I have really wished could be different. But here I am after almost six years, a much better person than I ever thought I could be. I learned compassion, understanding, that it is ok to have trials, it is onto change, and that everyone has things that are harder than what they want to face. I have learned what it means to have true friends and to be a true friend. I have learned it is about learning and the desire to grow versus the score I got on tests. I learned the God has been with me in the darkest and the lightest times and he will continue to do so. I have learned it is ok to show others that you are weak and that you are strong. That it is ok to love who I am and what I can become with Heavenly Father's help. I am still learning patience but eventually I will learn it :)

And here I am heading my sixth year and my final semester, I never thought I would make it this far. I would never make it to the end of the long hallway that is college. Yet I stand here facing what I thought would never come. In many ways I have fulfilled what I wanted to six years ago. I have a job in PR and I love it. I will have a degree that I earned, with much effort and obsacles that should have held me back.

I think I am sorta prepared for the real world but I know I have much to learn and in many ways I need to grow. So here I am scared but moving onward trusting that God will not leave me when I need Him the most, when I need courage and strength to finish my race down the hallway.

I am so thankful for my time I have had at BYU, and for the future that scares me. I am glad I am not alone on this journey and I am so grateful for the turns twists and bumps. For my family and the friends I have had and will have as I continue moving forward with faith. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

Bring it on, let's get this done and we can make it together!

Some things I have been thinking about recently…

Bridal Veil Falls: Climbing Up and Down

Persecution, Struggle, Overcoming, and Giving Up

What is it like to be persecuted?

A few words that come to mind: painful, scary, hard, hopeless, unsure, threatened, and hurt.  I am sure there are many more emotions, feelings, thoughts and deep down pains that go along with persecution. Many, not only for those being persecuted but the persecutor, feel these feelings.  Persecution is treating someone with hate that is different than you, simply because you do not like them you cause them grief, pain and hardship.

How long can someone withstand persecution?

Many have gone through persecution, and for their endurance I commend them. Endurance is not an easy task, it takes 

courage, motivation that things will get better, and trust that you are not alone in the persecution you face.

How is struggle different than persecution?

Struggle to me is something that is similar but not exactly the same as persecution. Struggle may be from interior circumstances, or external circumstances, things you can change and things you cannot. Persecution is inflicted on someone because they may be different, or they think or behave differently. Being persecuted is not a choice that is made by the persecuted, but by the persecutor. 

Why do we like to struggle?

Struggle means we are fighting; it means we are facing the un-faceable.  We are working hard to keep our head above the water. At the BYU Museum of Art  where I work there is an exhibition called William Lambson his work is in the electronic gallery. There is a video where he is struggling in a river. He is trying to get on a contraption that once he gets balanced he appears to be standing on the water. He tries over and over again to get on top of this contraption.  Eventually he makes it he gets it all level and it appears like he is standing on the water, even walking on the water. This exhibition really made me think about struggle. There are times we feel like giving up, letting go of what is keeping us afloat, but somehow we still don’t let go even if we are barely holding on. As we struggle we get stronger. There are times when we struggle harder than others but every time we struggle we get stronger to face the next challenge.

Why overcoming and struggle go hand in hand?

View from the Y trail

I know that none of this is new to anyone, and people have thought about this all the way back o the beginning I am sure, but we cannot overcome unless we struggle first. Without a struggle overcoming something would not mean anything really. A good friend of mine, Michelle Walker, talked about this in terms of climbing mountains. She told of story of climbing Mt. Timpanogus to see the sun rise. She was having a hard time and someone in her group stayed behind and put his hand on her shoulder and encouraged her to keep climbing. The sun was almost ready to rise and she said lets not go to the top, let’s watch form here, but her friend pushed her to continue. They made it to the top. She had tears in her eyes when she said this was the most glorious sunrise she had ever seen. She had to struggle to overcome. She had to climb that mountain. Every time I think of overcoming I think of climbing mountains.

What does it mean to really give up?

To me it means to sit down where you are, to stop climbing, to turn around, to not get back up when you fall. Now there are many times I feel like I have fell in my life, literally and figuratively.

 One time that particularly stands out to me is about a year ago I fell and I hit the back of my head playing broom hockey. The severity of the fall gave me a grade 3 concussion, life got really hard. I was forgetful, I couldn’t drive, work, watch tv, read, use electronics. All I could do was sleep and sit on a swing outside, talk and eat. I felt like I had lost a part of me, to this day part of me is still gone. I still have headaches daily, and I still forget many, many things. I never knew how much one event could change someone so much.  There had been so many times here at school, and at work where I have felt like it would never get better. When it first happened I never thought I would be able to focus again, or to remember everything someone said in conversations we had, or how to get from this place to that even though I lived there my whole life, and the roads hadn’t changed. I thought and felt like it would never get better.

Here it is one year later, still recovering, but I am getting better each day. One small step at a time, I am remembering things better, and in many ways things seem a blur over the last while. It is hard to remember some things, and I think gaps will always be there, but I am definitely changed.

To me this was one of the biggest literal falls I have ever gone through. But I got up. Each day I choose to get up and struggle, so that one day I can overcome, and I will overcome.

Overcoming this is my choice so some extent, but at the same time it is up to my head and body too. But it is my job for me to take care of my body so it can heal, that is my choice. I choose to be happy, and to continue when I don’t want too. There are many times I felt like sitting down and crying and there are many times that I have. But I got back up.

If you are feeling like the struggle is too much, or the climb is not worth it. Keep reminding yourself that you can sit down but only if you will get back up. If you are being persecuted there is hope. There is a song called Living Proof (to the left) and it reminds me of what it means to continue in the fight.

I am the living proof that you don't have to give up. You are not alone even though it may seem like you are. You are not. Open your eyes and see that everyone is fitting their own battle, and that is why we have each other, so we dont have to face the dark alone. I want you to know that I love you and you are loved. Take luck my friends, and dont be afraid to climb those mountains. 

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

This week has been rather exciting. Today was rather long, and the weird thing is after long weekends it is always hard to get started again. But at the same time I was thankful for a rest for my brain and just to catch up on sleep and relax. There has been a lot of things I have been thinking about recently, mostly I try to focus on whatever needs my attention at that time. Sometimes it works better than others. A few things that I have been learning about and thinking about:

- How much food is integrated into our lives, it controls social situations, it influences relationships, food is more than a physical relationship, it is an emotional and a mental relationship with not only our bodies but with others.
-I have been thinking a lot about Dress and Grooming and the standards of appearance, what messages are people trying to send by the way that they dress?
- India has given me a new obsession, it is so interesting and totally different than any other place I have ever learned about, there is something about it that makes it enchanting.
- Learning HTML and how to create and fix websites. This whole HTML stuff is new to me, but hopefully I can figure it out without having to take a class.
- Beauty and Belief which is a new Exhibit in the Museum of Art. Today was the Press Conference, which it was so great to be there and to learn and feel the excitement of this new exhibit, and how many beautiful things are there that not only teach me about Islamic culture but about my own ideas and concepts behind beauty.
- I have been thinking a lot about place, and how we talk about our favorite places.
- I have been thinking about how certain words bring certain connotations, sometimes words cannot effectively express our thoughts/ideas/emotions, which is why there are other forms of language besides words or an actual language itself.
- I have been thinking a lot about my future and what I want, and how to find what will make me truly happy.
- How Celiac Disease influences everything else, also how this disease really has to do with your choice in reaction and actions toward it and choosing to face certain consequences for certain things.
 
I guess I am definitely tired. But in many ways my body is so tired but I feel like my brain is just starting to come more alive again. I am still struggling but things are getting better and better. At the same time I feel like right now I am living to get by, but hopefully this summer things will slow down a little so I can enjoy the day more, instead of just makin' it. The whole key is that I am actually making it, i am drowning, I am not dead, I am making it. In the end it comes to this song that just came out by Kelly Clarkson: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... Now my theme song for the next month :)

Don't go Changin'

So I guess there have been so many things happening in my life, and me trying to make sense of it all with a part functioning brain. I would love to expand on these topics but I think I will just list them out and if you want to hear more about something specific comment and I will expand my thoughts.

-Working as a PR Representative for the College of Fine Arts and Communications and the MOA
- TAing and enjoying working with freshmen, I just wish they were not so quiet
- reading lots and lots for classes
-Learning about INdia and what personhood and identity means to them through out the stages of their lives
- Learning about cultural models and expectations and schemas, and how one comes to terms with all these complicated ideas and concepts that dont even have words for them
-Sleeping lots and lots really on average 9 hours a day for my head
-Still having headaches that last all day but mostly they are starting to stay at the back of my head now so that is a plus
- Taking lots of vitamins and minerals to help rebuild my immune system
- Recognizing that so many people matter to me in my life, sometimes I dont have the guts to say so or even tell them they are important, but I am thankful for some one different every day
- Learning that it is ok to ask for help, even though sometimes I want to try and do it alone
-Learning HTML, and how to connect websites, and create site maps etc.
- learning about Apaches and how they joke, also how places and names and words all create and help us remember meaning and influence for the rest of our lives
- Watching Castle :) highly recommend it
- getting to know my roomies Jessica, Theresea, and Meagan
- remembering that it is ok to cry
- finding out that I really do miss my younger brother, and he makes BYU a better place
- happy about the simple things everyday
- I love saying good morning even when it is not morning time
- cooking lots and lots, mostly veggies and sausages and random things to help keep me full.
- eating lots of oranges and apples, which make me miss the apples from home
- saving my money
- organizing my research
- analyzing it too
- missing my sisters
- learning that it is ok to trust people
-got my hair cut
- got new shoes for work
- got something exciting for myself from amazon :)
-trying to keep my head up

I guess all in all the last month has been one of growth hardship and trial. Today at church we talked a lot about why we face and go through trials. 2 Nephi 1-2 really hit home to me as the teacher talked about why it is all worth it. Michelle said something like " Because Jesus Christ is real, and He lives, that makes it all worth living for." This gave me hope as I have been feeling rather unsure of how to face and deal with the many worries and concerns. It helped me recognize that God is still in my life, He still loves me, He has not forsaken me. I am glad to know He is there, and that He can here me, help me and heal me. It is a process and one which requires patience and trust but I know He will help if we only ask him too.

I say to you and to myself, Don't give up because you have something worth fighting for!

Life gets faster and faster...

I have been doing my undergraduate research recently and I have been learning a lot. I thought I was good at socializing before but I am realizing I sure still have a lot to learn about listening. I also have spent more time thinking about the blessings that have come from being home, my calling at church and also having a concussion.

For the most part I have been thinking a lot about Christ and His life and what it means to apply the atonement in my life, what it means to go through the repentance process. Today, I taught the Relief Society lesson and I used the water with food coloring drops being put in and applying the atonement was like pouring in the bleach. Which actually does take the color out of the water, I was slightly surprised.

So for the list of blessings from having a concussion:
- I got time to wind down from a hard few years at school.
- I got to spend time with my family and particularly Joslyn and Reid.
- I was able to make and be friends with Katlin Dexter
- Learning to put myself first. Understanding my priorities.
- Learning my own personal limits.
- Learning that time heals all wounds and that it is ok that it takes time for healing.
- My relationship with Jesus Christ was and continues to be strengthened because I had time to think, ponder, listen, pray and feel the Holy Ghost influence my life.
- I finally got time to work through some of my own concerns and scars from other parts of my life.
- I learned to let things go that are beyond my control, I think I am still learning this.
- I learned that I have to organize my time and to use my time effectively.
- I learned that I have to write things down, so I can remember them.
- I learned to be more organized in my brain and in my life.
- I learned to think better, think clearer.
- I learned how to understand my own thought processes and start to change them when I am thinking about things that are not positive.
- I am learning/learned to be flexible with my time/plans/schedule.
- I learned that those who really care will make the effort to make my life easier.

Overall, I know that it may not have been or will be the happiest experience in my life, but there are blessings. Like it says in the song " What Faith Can Do"  You have to face the clouds to find the silver lining. There is silver lining in my life even though it is kind of a storm right now.

The joy is I know that I can make it through any storm as long as I continue to include my Father in Heaven in my plans and as long as I trust that Christ's suffering and atonement really works and can heal all wounds.

Life as I know it.

So it has been forever since I updated my blog, but life has been good. I have recently rediscovered how much I enjoy some harder music. not on a daily basis but when I need to get pumped up or get myself excited for something. My friend Katlin gave me the Skillet CD and this is their first track and I love it :) 

Life is going well. I am staying home in WA to do research for my undergraduate degree in Anthropoogy, which I am excited/nervous/ happy about. I guess I probably am procrastinating by writting on my blog, but hey don't we all do that?!? haha

I am happy and in so many ways my life is so blessed. Reid leaves for his mission in a few weeks to Fortaleza Brazil, so that is an exciting thing coming up. It is crazy to me how fast time flies, especially when we are focusing on others and other things. I have been learning and growing a lot this summer. Not only physically, but mostly mentally and spiritually. I have really come to understand how much Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. How so many times we want to go or do this one thing, and we feel right about a certain choice, and then we make that choice work towards it and it changes or takes you down a different path, you take lots of detours and you turn around, you take wrong turns, and you take right turns, even left turns sometimes too... haha... but really if you are striving to follow and do what you know and feel is right, then blessings come in ways we cannot imagine or understand.

Also I really have learned more about the atonement of Jesus Christ. He lived and died for us. He loves us. Something that Reid said in his farewell talk yesterday stands out to me about being more like Christ. He said" Charity is not loving someone because Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them. True Charity is loving someone how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them." This really made me think a lot about letting my heart be changed towards others and also towards myself. Love is the best and most important motivator. All we do stems from love, or lack of it. So my question I want you to think about, if you or anyone else ever reads this, is: Where is the Love? Where can we find it and how can we know it is real? What does love mean to you? What does it feel like?

For me love is a smile, a laugh, a hug, a heart to heart talk, crying on a friends shoulder, having a friend cry on my shoulder, selfless service, someone doing the little things that I either hate doing or dont have time to do. There are more ways but to me love shatters all doubt and fear, trust remains and it is enduring. a scripture comes to mind. 1 Corinthians 13. This whole chapter is about faith, hope and charity, which to me is love, pure love.

Anyhow, I am happy and life is good. In so many ways I feel so blessed. Life as I know it is better than I thought it could be :)

The Blessings of the Gospel

This last week I finished reading the Book of Mormon. I started in mid-december, and finished at the end of february. I think this is one of the fastest times I have ever read it all at once. This time as I read I learned a few things:
- the timeline of the book of mormon, and the order of events.
- I forgot how violent Ether is, and how quickly those people forgot about The lord delivering them, how quickly do I forget?
- I also learned an important lesson while I was reading in 3 Nephi (8:5 and 10:18) with my mom, We were looking at the length of time it was from the earthquakes coming to the people and the time that Christ came. The earthquakes happened in the "thirty and fourth year in the first month on the fourth day of the month." and Christ came and manifest himself unto them at the "end of the thirty and fourth year." They were called to repentance and approximately eleven months later Christ came to see them. It was not a quick fix. They had to go through that same process as many people do now.
-I also have felt an increase of understanding come, sometimes I forgot myself and I feel like I am part of the story, living and breathing in what is happening, forgetting time and place.
- I also really love how much the Book of Mormon talks of Christ, and His mercies. He is always helping someone, healing someone, answering their prayers comforting someone, loving someone. This book truly testifies of Him and His ministry.

In conclusion, I want to bear my testimony.  I know that this book, The Book of Mormon is true, without a doubt in my mind. It is not just some story from the past. It is what truly happened years ago. This book, has the answers to life, and through the Holy Ghost we can know the truth of all things. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior, and it is only through Him and His life, His sacrifice that I able to live everyday. I know that it is only through His atonement, that I can be made whole. I know that He knows who I am and that He truly cares about me. I am not alone and because of Christ has descended below all things, He knows what pain, sin, temptations, heart break, loneliness, sorrow, sadness, and sickness is, and He knows how to make all of those things feel better. I know that He loves us and thinks of us often. We are on the palms of His hands, and He is with us, even when we think He is not there. I know that I can never repay Christ for the things He has done for me, that is impossible. But I will live my life trying to do what I feel is right, serving Him and serving others, to show Him how grateful I am for His infinite and all encompassing sacrifice.

Life is hard, but thankfully we can and will make it when we rely and trust in Jesus Christ.